


from here on out i wear this face for both of us

by kitahart



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Dysphoria, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sleepovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 20:43:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11813832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitahart/pseuds/kitahart
Summary: Lup thinks for a moment. “Sure, I didn’t expect to start off my first day in my brand-new flesh body having…. fuckin’ six panic attacks or whatever, or unable to walk because I haven'tdone thatin a decade, but. Getting to be myself, getting to feel things, getting to touch people again... it’s worth it.”“Mm.” Lucretia’s half-asleep, stroking her fingertips up and down Lup’s bicep, and even this small amount of physical contact is grounding. She could get used to this.After everything, Lup has a hard time adjusting to the wholehaving a bodything again.





	from here on out i wear this face for both of us

**Author's Note:**

> i'm trying to push out all my future!fics before the final ep when griffin Inevitably ruins them.
> 
> warnings for depictions of dysphoria (in the Hey Having A Body Is Kind Of Inherently Awful way), depersonalization, some mentions of vomiting, and references to past abuse, disordered eating, and self-harm.

**i.**

The restoration pod is isolated, kept far from the rest of the rest of the building, but Lup’s barely taken two faltering steps out of the tiny room before she's swept up, pulled into a tight hug. 

“I can't breathe, you dingus,” she says, laughing a little. She's still dripping with green slime, hair plastered to her face, wrapped in a fuzzy robe that someone – Taako, she assumes – had carefully laid out, but all she can think is, _it worked, it worked, it worked._

Taako releases her a little, but only only so he can lean back, pressing his forehead against hers. He’s laughing too, a little breathless, searching her face for something that she can't define. “I told you! I told you that we could do this! Barold said we couldn’t, but that guy has _no fuckin’ clue_ what he’s talking about, we’re, like, twenty percent smarter than he is, and we _did it!”_

Lup snorts. “Only twenty percent? I mean, at least give me some credit here. ” Taako feigns injury, and – gods, Lup forgot what it was like to have a body, to feel her own laughter reverberating through her chest. It’s nearly dizzying. Still, she follows up with, “Also, I’m getting slime all over you, that’s gross. We still got, like… a shower in this joint?”

She’s still really shaky, too weak to walk more than a few steps without falling, relying on Taako to keep her upright as she wobbles her way down the hall _(legs, she has legs again, what the fuck)_ , but all Lup can think is, _we did it._

* * *

**ii.**

There's a lot of things Lup’s getting used to, apparently. _Physical sensation_ is a big one. She stands under the shower ‘till the water runs cold, because she hasn't felt anything in twelve years, and now the concept of warmth is overwhelming. The crashing of water rings in her head long after the shower turns off, and she has to remind herself that she has ears again (what the _fuck)_ , that she's likely as hypersensitive as she and Taako were when they were kids.

Still: Lup wraps herself in the fluffiest towel she can find and meets Taako out in the hallway, where –

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, _fuck,_ she forgot that she's got, like, a physical form now, and also that she needs clothes, and also that she's been dead for a decade and doesn't own any. 

She tells Taako as much, and he just laughs a little, throws open his closet. “Just like the old days, huh?”

“Yeah, when we were _twelve.”_ Back when Taako had a capital-T Thing about them being identical, they used to raid each other's wardrobes to the point that neither was exactly sure whose clothes belonged to who.

“C’mon, I’m sure that you'll find something that fits. You’ll probably even look better than it than me.” Lup snorts ( _we’re identical, doofus)_ , and a shadow passes over Taako’s face. “No, really, I mean it. You really are the prettier twin now, you know?”

“What do you – oh. Taako –” He’s dropped the spell, but just for a second. Lup instinctively winces, not because it’s bad (it isn't) but because her own brother doesn't even trust her enough to let his guard down for more than that, even though she's seen him like that before, even though she felt his pain as he made _that decision._ She tries to tell herself that it doesn't matter, that it's not a judgement on her, just on the years that they've been apart, on everything that's happened since. 

“I mean, it’s not a big thing or anything, just – you gotta be beautiful for the both of us now, so pick out something cute, okay?” Taako’s optimism sounds artificial, but Lup doesn't call him on it, not this time. Instead, she just picks out the softest shirt she can (flannel, she’s fucking _owning_ this “possessing a body” shit) and locks herself back in the bathroom.

It’s not that she's been avoiding the mirror, exactly, it's just that the past few months have been rather unnerving, in terms of self-reflection. During the century that the Starblaster had carried its crew from plane to plane, it wasn't often that Lup had to burn her body early in a cycle, and she was almost never alive long enough to have to deal with the results, which, until now, she’d accepted as permanent.

So it’s a surprise, then, when Lup looks in the mirror and sees Taako’s face.

No. Not Taako’s face. _Her_ face. It’s just – they've always been identical, always had the same face, but there are differences: Lup likes to wear heavy eyeliner, Taako has a scar running through his eyebrow from a cooking accident. She touches that scar now, her fingers finding their way over to the ragged edge of her ear, where she’d been attacked by a dog when they were six. Taako had beat it off with a stick, only that _never happened_ now, because the shell of her ear is smooth and complete. In its place are other scars, some that Lup remembers (some that she would prefer not to), and some that are completely new, that must have happened while she was passed out in the Umbra Staff. That happened, and she wasn't there, and she _wasn't there._

 _At least we’re easily set apart right now,_ Lup thinks with a laugh, because she hasn't seen their original hair color since they were, what, ten? Right now, hers is their natural dark color, while Taako’s dyed his a platinum blonde that indicates that he's not feeling particularly creative.

Lup looks in the mirror, sighs, and rolls down her sleeves. At least that's something.

* * *

**iii.**

“Taako, this dumb body you grew me is defective, it won't stop walking me into walls –” Lup cuts herself off with a start, because, standing in the middle of the kitchen, surrounded by her _family,_ is Kravitz. Taako is draped over his shoulder, apparently unconcerned. “Uh. Hi there,” she manages. “If you're here to reap my soul, I would appreciate your… not doing that? I _did_ just get my body back, it would be kind of a waste?”

 _Everyone_ is staring at her now, not just Kravitz, but he awkwardly extends a hand for her to shake anyways. “I can assure you, I’m not here for that,” he says. Dude has one hell of a strong – if clammy – grip. “Taako, you didn't tell me – was it today?”

“My man, I didn't tell you ‘cause we weren’t even sure if it was gonna work! I mean, the _plans_ , fine, but it felt like marking the exact date that Lup’s new body was done cooking would be a recipe for disaster, y’know? C’mon, Barold, you can say that you told us so now!”

But Barry is standing at the stove, spatula in hand, staring at Lup with wide eyes. He’s shaking a little. “I – I didn't know,” he says. “If you’d have told me –”

“We wanted it to be just the two of us at first,” Lup says softly. “Not any of this… mess. No offense!”

“...I could've worn anything other than a ‘Kiss The Cook’ apron, at least. I could've done something special.”

“Barry, I’m currently barefoot because my idiot brother doesn't own any shoes that aren't high heeled. I think that we’re well past that point now.”

Behind her, Kravitz clears his throat. “I think I’ll give the seven of you some space now, if that's alright with you, Taako?”

“‘Course, babe.” Lup looks away in disgust as her brother – _her brother_ – kisses the Grim Reaper goodnight. “I’ll catch you up later.”

She is absolutely never gonna get used to watching Kravitz rip a hole in time and space, but Lup’s vision of Kravitz leaving is quickly obscured as she’s swarmed by everyone in the kitchen, save for Lucretia, who tends to hang back in these situations, but smiles warmly, resting a hand on Lup’s shoulder instead. They're all overjoyed, and it shows, asking a million questions at once that Taako is fielding.

“Good to have you back,” Magnus says, and flicks her on the ear. Immediately, the entire world blurs, swaying dizzily, and Lup gasps, trying to reorient herself and nearly falling in the process.

“Don’t – God, don’t… don’t do that, we use those for orientation, I would prefer… that you not?” Lucretia guides her into her own seat, and Lup gratefully accepts the help, rubbing her eyes until the stars fade from view.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know! Is it – it didn't –” Magnus’s voice fades out as Lup is hit by another wave of dizziness _(too much too much too much)_ , and she winces a little.

“No, her body is just brand-new, that's all. Gonna take a couple of days to orient stuff, get all the sensory shit right, but she'll get there. Right, Lup?”

“...Right.”

Taako kicks Barry out of his position at the stove, ordering him to “change into something a little less ugly, Bluejeans, some of us have actual _eyes_ here,” and starts messing with whatever’s currently simmering on the stove, adding ingredients and muttering to himself.

Lup jumps a little when Magnus seats himself next to her, used to having a much wider field of vision. “Sorry,” he says. “About… about the other thing too. I really, really didn't mean to –”

“‘S cool, dude. Not really your fault. This is all –” she gestures to herself, or tries to, but flesh hands don't work the way she remembers, and she just winds up flailing wildly, flinching at the too-loud clank of silverware. 

Magnus must see her shoulders drop in disappointment, because he offers up a smile in consolation. “Hey, you’ll get it! Is it like… is it cool if I touch you right now?”

Lup stares at him. “I have not had actual human contact in over a decade, and you’re… _asking_ me if it’s cool?” That’s just Magnus, though, and a wave of relief washes over her. He’s still Magnus and she’s still _her_ and, for a moment, with Magnus rubbing her back and Lucretia holding her hand, it’s as if they never left the Starblaster at all.

* * *

**iv.**

Of the myriad things she needs to _adjust to,_ Lup can deal with walking a bit weird as she relearns, like, spatial relations or whatever. She can deal with her voice being a bit hoarse, because she hasn't had a chance to speak with a voice that isn't basically a projection since she, y’know, died. She can deal with sounds being too loud and textures being too much, because sensory overload is quite frankly a part of her everyday life, and both Taako and Barry – the former from studying magic, the latter from experience – assure her that it’s going to be relatively normal in a few days.

What she can’t deal with, Lup thinks as she heaves up the rest of her dinner, is the _food_ thing.

“Taako,” she moans, resting her face against the cool porcelain of the toilet seat, “fucking _kill me already_. Liches don't have to eat.”

“No, fuck you, you don't get that lucky,” Taako says from behind her, where he's holding her hair out of her face. “You’re stuck with me for the rest of your miserable life, which is kind of a shitty deal, if you ask me, but you didn't, so.” His tone is light, but there's a note of real anxiety behind it, and his hands are unsteady.

 _What happened to you_ , Lup wants to say, but all she manages to do is moan again. This fucking _sucks._

“Is it –” Taako’s looking to Barry for guidance now, which is always a bad sign. “It’s not because of – Because I’m –” Lup’s stomach twists again, but this time it’s not because of Taako’s cooking. She knows that her brother has always had issues with eating, that things had been way worse over the past decade, but the fact that he’s blaming _himself_ for her physical state now is sickening. “‘Cause, like, the pod makes copies of, of what –”

“Sorry, babe,” Lup croaks. “I think this one’s on me.”

“She’s right, you know,” Barry says. “Coming back from being a lich, being resurrected – it’s not like it was on the Starblaster, you know. Being reset. There's… adjustments to be made. She’ll likely have to build up to eating full meals again, get used to that.”

Lup bristles a little. “Y’know that I’m not an umbrella still, right? I can, like… hear you?”

“Sorry, it won’t happen again,” Barry says, placating. He really does mean it, she knows. They all do. Not her fault that she starts panicking whenever someone doesn't notice that she's there. “Anyways, how do you feel about oatmeal?”

Lup drops her head to rest against the toilet seat again and groans.

* * *

**v.**

“Do you regret it?” Lucretia asks.

“Regret what?” Lup’s voice is hushed and thick with sleep.

In the early hours of the morning, it feels like they're the only two awake right now. That might very well be the case – Merle is snoring away at her feet, and Magnus had one arm wrapped around her, the other around his pillow. Taako, after declaring that if Lup was gonna be miserable, everyone else had to join her, had set up the pillow fort in the living room and then curled up in his sleeping sack away from everyone else – more often than not, he explained, the night terrors had him lashing out whoever was nearby, but he’s close enough to Lup that she can reach out and touch him, if she needs to. 

Lucretia, who’s currently curled up against Lup’s side, takes her time before answering. “I suppose that if I genuinely wanted to have this conversation, I would say _everything,_ but the – having a body, getting yours back. Do you regret it?”

“No.” Her answer is sharp and immediate, more loud than she would like. Taako stirs a bit, and Lucretia waits for his berating to even out before speaking.

“I’m sorry. I just thought that, after today, you seemed a little disappointed.”

“That’s putting it mildly.” Lup thinks for a moment. “I mean, I can't say that I didn't have… expectations for what this would be like, y’know? Expectations that I dreamed up for ten years.” She holds up their clasped hands for a moment, admiring the way their intertwined fingers look. “And, sure, I didn’t expect to start off my first day in my brand-new flesh body having… fuckin’ six panic attacks or whatever, or unable to walk because I haven't _done that_ in a decade, but. Getting to be myself, getting to feel things, getting to touch people again… it’s worth it.”

“Mm.” Lucretia’s half-asleep, stroking her fingertips up and down Lup’s bicep, and even this small amount of physical contact is grounding. She could get used to this.

Lucretia abruptly freezes as her fingers run over the unfamiliar (hers) (not hers) scars on Lup’s arm, and Lup stiffens, pulls away. It’s not that it’s a _thing,_ really, it’s just that every scar is yet another reminder that this body isn't hers, that she's just occupying it, that sooner or later it’ll all go to shit and she won't have this anymore. As weird and bad as it sounds, she misses her own scars, misses the way the gap in her teeth was on the right side, not the left, misses the freckles scattered across her nose. She’ll get used to this, just like everything else, but right now it's just another reminder of everything that happened. 

“Sorry,” Lup says, huffing out a humorless laugh. “This is kind of… We’re all so fucked up, y’know? All of this is.”

“I’m well aware.” Lup winces a little; Lucretia would understand more than anyone, but her tone isn't judging. It’s just sad. “I’m sorry, I really am. I wish that there was more that I could do for you.”

“...Nah.” Lup curls up more inside their shared blanket, resting her head on Lucretia’s shoulder, and Lucretia draws her into the circle of her arms. “Actually, this is pretty good.”

* * *

**vi.**

Of the two, Lup’s always been the more impulsive one, though she suspects that that's something that's changed now. Maybe it’s something about how Taako hadn’t bothered to define himself in relation to her anymore. Maybe it’s something about how things got really bad back there for a bit. Maybe it’s something about how living inside an umbrella has taught her just the tiniest bit of patience.

Whatever the reason, Taako walks in on her halfway through, when she’s carefully shaving the side of her head with Magnus’s razor. There’s a memory there, of the first few times that repeating the same year over and over became too much, when she and Taako would deliberately Not Talk About It and do something stupid, like paint each other's nails or go shopping or do something stupid with their hair. It had worked, for a bit. He doesn’t say anything, just leans in the doorway.

“Get over here, doofus, I’m gonna need your help bleaching this shit in a second too.” Lup leans over the sink, rinsing what’s left of her hair in the basin. Her fingers involuntarily find their way to the soft fuzz on the side of her scalp. It feels like something new, something growing. 

“No magic, huh?”

Lup shakes her head. “Nah. This is just… for me, y’know?” And it _is:_ there’s something to be said about the sensation of physical touch, of changing things, of belonging only to _herself_ for the first time in years. “C’mon, if you’re good, I’ll help you touch up your roots.”

“Deal.” Taako grins widely. “Oh man, this is gonna be _so fucked up,_ I can’t believe you’re letting me do this.” He eyes the bottles of dye she’s got set up on the counter. “You picked out a color yet so we can go to, fuckin’, Fantasy Hot Topic or some shit?”

Above the counter, on the windowsill, Magnus keeps a row of planters all lined up under the late-afternoon sunlight, and tiny buds are just now beginning to break through the soil. The flowers will be in full bloom soon. Finally, something new can grow here. 

Something colorful, Lup thinks. Something bright.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm [punkwixes](http://punkwixes.tumblr.com) on tumblr.


End file.
